The Glimmer Man - 1996 - Dir. Gray

You know, I don't watch a lot of Seagal movies. I can't for sure know why that is. I probably should, but I think I have a tendency to hang onto JCVD's broken English more than Seagal's squinty mutterings. So I may not be have the right to say this but I think The Glimmer Man might be the perfect Seagal movie. Well, maybe not PERFECT, but at the very least it's a well-oiled one. All the parts are in the right place and functioning correctly. And as a bonus we get a scene with Stephen Tobolowsky and Brian Cox as a stupid villain whom you get to see swim around in a pool. You have the Ivory Wayans and Seagal mixed up partner relationship, achieving everything required of it like Wayans eating powdered deer penis and Seagal... uh... I don't know, smiling on bemusedly as he proves Wayans wrong at every turn. Seagal's faux-sprituality is fairly present, which isn't so much a character trait as much as something that can spur on banter since Seagal's beliefs and wisdom generally bends to whatever he feels like doing in each particular scene. "Eh, the guys makin' fun of my prayer beads! Lemme mutter something then kick him in the head." But I suppose the movie is entertaining enough, It's exactly what you should get when you watch a cruddy action movie from the mid-90s. In a sense, it should be in a museum... for 90's movies.

I'm white and you're black but somehow we still get along!

Reindeer Games - 2000 - Dir. Frankenheimer

You know, Reindeer Games is a movie with twists. It's a movie that is basically formed around the idea of having a lot of surprise reveals. It doesn't really try very hard to hide this fact, I guess it's not supposed to. I don't know much about Frankenheimer. He had a spotty record as a director, seemingly to have a tendency to direct films of THIS quality and then a bunch of movies that are actually decent. But let me get back to how stupid this movie is, first of all, the antagonists are morons. I'm pretty sure the movie makes a point of this. They are dumb truckers who want to rob a casino and hold Ben Affleck, a recently released criminal, hostage so Ben helps them out. Naturally, Ben Affleck outsmarts them around every turn and really only due to brute force and dumb luck are they consistently able to subdue him. I feel like that's usually the format for a Children's Movie. Where the villain is a blithering idiot or IDIOTS in this case. And I feel like when a movie sets you up to have a ton of twists, you generally see them coming like an oncoming truck and only notice how they grow in retardation with each reveal. If one can derive any pleasure from the film is Gary Sinese, who is not much of a villain in the movie, but is entertain to some degree... SOME DEGREE. Either that or the cast of character actors that pop up, and a sweet cameo by Issac Hayes.

Run as fast as you can! You still won't get out of this movie!

Primary Colors - 1998 - Dir. Nichols

John Travolta as Bill Clinton?! I remember as a young fella I thought this was the most incredible idea. And in 1998?! I mean, the man was still President at the time! Take THAT W. you're not the only one! Anyway, I suppose I thought the movie would be pretty corny and sensational considering the time of its release. It's actually got a little bit more thought in it than I was expecting, although Travolta is in way less of the movie that... well, the cover would lead you to believe. IN FACT, the cover doesn't even HAVE the lead on it. Well, some of them do. But it's the young African-American fella joining Fake-Clinton's campaign. It's sort of a classic story of somewhat naive dude realizing Politics is corrupt and awful as hell. I suppose, it's pacing and it's handling made it a step up above from the rest. Naturally the film isn't ALL about Clinton, it's all thinly veiled. But the way it depicts the Clinton couple is fascinating. Especially by the end when Kathy Bates, whose AWESOME in this, is screaming at the two of them about how much they've changed. That is the climax of sorts, and the movie allows for the slow boil. Nichols, a man who never really got on my bad side to begin with, has really begun to win me over. OH, and the movies has a nice chunk of goofy small time actors. OH! And I thought "JR" from Dallas was awesome in it as a Calm and Honest Politician. As was Emma Thompson as "Hilary Clinton."John Travolta's Penis AS Bill Clinton's boner.

The Killing Fields - 1984 - Dir. Joffé

I sort of went into The Killing Fields expecting a very serious mediation on what happened in Cambodia. Maybe I set the bar too high. Not that it was a hollow picture, it wasn't. It was stirring. But... I wasn't expecting it to be so... Bromantic. I know that's weird to say, but it was kind of distracting after a while, to see Pran kind of holding Sydney up to be some kind of... mythical figure. I don't know. The film's resolution is them reuniting. I guess, the movie is about their relationship... with the backdrop of the Cambodian massacre. It basically gets to a point, where I don't give a damn about Pran. He's kind of overly subserviant. Maybe in the 80's it was more reasonable to have an Asian man servant type character who is basically in orbit around a Sam Waterson but that just don't fly with me. And Sam Waterson's guilt? Tch. Pran is responsible for getting a boy blown up but we see Sam Waterson hang around his apartment feeling bad? Oh man, I'm getting on a rant. Well, let me just say, everything I've referenced is in the second half of the movie. The first half, the part where the two guys are together is actually an all right movie. We got Waterson, Malkovich, and Spaulding Grey, who are all great to watch. Ngor is actually really good considering his lack of experience and training. I can see why he won the Oscar. Mike Oldfield supplies a dated but pretty neat score. A strange viewing experience for me, perhaps I'm being cynical... but I don't think multiple viewings would change anything.

I wonder why everyone looks so sombe- Oh wait.

A Christmas Story - 1983 - Dir. Clark

MAN! I can't act like this movie doesn't charm the pants offa me every Christmas. I'm still baffled by how entertaining it can be. I think as I get older, different parts appeal to me more. I definitely get behind the parents more than I used to. They're probably my favorite part these days. I remember when I didn't have any clue about what was funny about the Leg Lamp. And that Mom is just SO DAMN CUTE! It never feels abhorently sentimental, but never NOT sentimental at the same time. It has just a perfect balance of both. And of not just about Christmas but what it means to be a kid around Christmas.

NOTA FINGA!

The Muppet Christmas Carol - 1992 - Dir. Henson

I probably have seen this before. I can't imagine as a child who loved Muppets, I never saw the Christmas Carol, but I sure as hell don't remember anything about it. I was a little surprised by the LACK of Muppets, or perhaps, the lack of traditional Muppets. But perhaps I just have an extremely high tolerance for Traditional Muppets. ANYWAY, the film created new muppets for the three ghosts. I have to say, I loved the Ghost of Christmas Present. He was sweet as hell. I think what originally got me into this was that Michael Caine said this was his most memorable. I can see why. This must have been a ton of fun to make and he does a great job as Scrooge and plays it as honestly as someone might with real actors. Henson seems to have a lot of respect for Dickens and the source material while still being rather playful with it as seen with the minor addition of Robert Marley and Gonzo's take on Dickens himself. I think I would have almost liked MORE goofing around on the Muppets part but maybe that's just because as an older fellow, The Christmas Carol is a pretty tried and true bit of storytelling. I think a great deal of the fun is just seeing how each of the Muppets were intergrated into the classic tale.

Michael Caine looks INSANE!

Dead Ringers - 1988 - Dir. Cronenberg

The movie starts out with creepy music and a series of drawings of early medical experiments and torture devices on a bright red background. It is not easy to tell which is which, if there is any distinction at all. Cronenberg can set a tone like no other. ESPECIALLY in the 80's where you could expect some degree of mutation and people being taken apart in the strangest ways. Although, perhaps of all of my favorite directors, I seem to be most critical of Cronenberg's films. Maybe because he seems to always get so close to exactly what I want to see but then somehow (for me) drops the ball. Or I don't know. Maybe I'm just picky. Either way, Dead Ringers certainly has the basic idea of PERFECT MOVIE. I think maybe it wanders a little bit more than I would have liked. Feels a little unfocused and a little loosy goosey, but MAN! Cronenberg kicks thematic ass like nobodies business. He's so good at loading the screen with visual metaphors and motifs. And they are ALWAYS right up my alley too. Like a lot of Cronenberg movies, it feels slow as hell. He plays with the idea of Jeremy Irons being twins a lot, and trying to decipher who is doing what. So it's a lot of fun. The addiction part of the film feels a little repetitive, especially after he makes the AWFUL instruments, which may very well be the peak of the film, Irons being dressed in red gowns in a very religious manner, hopped up on goof balls, about to mutilate a vagina. MAN, they don't make 'em like Cronenberg anymore. And certainly not with the class that man makes 'em with.

Oh man, it's a table of Vagina Nightmares.