A Zed and Two Noughts - 1985 - Dir. Greenaway

This movie blew the shit out of me! I had no shit in me for days after seeing this movie! No, I loved this movie. I'd never seen any Greenaway but heard of him an awful lot. I think netflix recommended the movie after I watched... I dunno... something weird with twins maybe. And I was all, hell, why not!? And then let the DVD sit around collecting dust. When I eventually, popped it in. Even from the opening credits sequence, I knew I was going to be in for a treat. So... in case anyone was wondering, this movie could probably be considered pretty pretentious, I suppose. Self-indulgent. Maybe doing too many things at once. There's all kinds of things you can complain about. But if you are me... It's fine. It talks about death and decay and amputees and art. And Car Crashes! It's lit beautifully. HELL, the whole fucking movie is beautiful. It's weird as hell. The acting is really restrained. Themes and motifs criss-cross and leap around the screen. There is so much going on! I most certainly plan to watch the movie several times. And the score is AWESOME! The first thing to stand out is the Time Lapse decay music, which is ridiculous. Oh man, and I got a kick out of the time lapse stuff. AUUUGHG!! The lighting is so crazy in this movie! Visually, the whole movie felt very theatrical. I just liked this thing so damn much.

Heaven is Men's Legs covered in Snails.

Conan the Barbarian - 1982 - Dir. Milius

I watched the first fifteen minutes of this a while ago... and then I got bored as hell and turned it off. Second time around, I turned off around the same point. Even Mako's voice over couldn't keep me going! But eventually, I persevered. And yeah... It picks up. I'm not sure how much though. It's the kind of movie I felt I was trudging through. It's long. It takes its time to get going. The movie kind of insists that there is a lot of depth to this world which doesn't surprise me with Milius. I always get the impression that the guy takes masculinity very seriously. I dunno, I guess this was a treat or something for fantasy fans back in the day. That this in some way raised the bar. So maybe I'm from the spoiled Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings generation where fantasy didn't just have to be muscle-y guys with silly hats. We do get to see early Arnold and you can see why the man got more work. He looks the part but he's sympathetic enough looking too. He's a little silly naturally, unintentionally, but it makes his barbarian a little more likable. I dunno, I guess the movie never feels particularly fun but always feels too silly to take seriously. It's a long son of a bitch too. I mean, I like all the basic ideas on paper but the whole thing felt too vast and yet, not at all epic.

:o

Silverado - 1985 - Dir. Kasdan

It's a Big Classic type Hollywood western with big ole actors and charm and shootouts. And I dunno... I felt EH about it. I haven't yet seen a Kasdan picture that really got me up and going but I'm not really sure that's something that's bound to happen. I mean, I'm not going to lie... it IS a charming movie. It's pretty referential to classic westerns without being indebted or winking at the audience. Maybe to some degree, it stands out perhaps most because of the cast. There's a lot of Big Faces showing up in the movie, and it's fun to see 'em. And they seem to have a good time. Brian Dennehy is an absolute delight to watch. I wouldn't say the performances are OUTSTANDING or anything. But you know, they're fun or you know... they're just good performances. Glover and Glenn probably are responsible for that department. The enjoyable performances help because Plot-wise, the movie doesn't exactly feel too assembled. There's a lot of story lines and I can't really say any of them are very interesting to follow or plotted out in a particularly enthralling way. They basically crash into one another as the movie goes on... and not in the satisfying way. I felt the movie could have profited from some trimming. It just feels like a long ass time. There are plenty of filler sequences considering the amount of directions the movie attempts to move in at once. It's got the nice feel of a classic western except with big shot 1980's actors.

Aaaahahahaha... AAAAHAHAHAHAHHA!

My Neighbor Totoro - 1988 - Dir. Miyazaki

I'm not gonna sit here and act like I don't think Totoro isn't charming as shit. I'm not going to do that to you people. I mean, seriously. We're talking Totoros. It's charm goes a long way because it has a pretty simple bare bones story. With almost no conflict whatsoever. I think it we were watching your usual children's fare... or really just a normal movie. You know, you would put up roadblocks for our characters. "Adults don't believe them" or "Some Lumber magnate is threatening the forest" you know, crap like that. But we're in exploratory mode with this movie. Just watching kids discover mystical creatures of the forest. Then a kid is lost for a short period of time, but it's certainly nothing we're hinging the movie on. It's merely the highest point. I suppose the closest thing to the conflict throughout is the sick mother... at least, it's the source of drama for the script and what eventually leads the little sister to get lost. But that is about the long and the short of it as far as drama is concerned. Miyazaki can get away with this of course because of the aforementioned charm and the damn visuals that we've all mostly familiar with. You know like a giant cat bus and whathaveyou. Just so we're clear: if you have a giant cat bus, your movie can be whatever it wants to be.

OMG LITTLE GIRL IT IS A TOTOROS!!111

The Dead Pool - 1988 - Dir. Van Horn

FEH. I'm not a huge Dirty Harry fan. Well, I've only seen the first one apart from this and I don't remember anything about it. I mean, I like Clint. But I suppose the series suffers from too many rip offs or something. It was the original, you know. But by the time this movie came out... I don't think that's an excuse. This is just goofy as hell. Jim Carrey and Liam Neeson are in it. And they are both just... dumb... Carrey bows out pretty early on but Neeson is a train of obnoxiousness because clearly, that's what the movie calls for. So I blame the movie on Liam Neeson's bad acting. The series seems to be winking at the audience at this point ("An Asian Partner!?" "You better watch out, Det. Chang or whatever!"). I can't say I was particularly amused or interested in the movie apart from the initial premise... which is very much the premise of a movie that will not be that good. Gambling on Celebrity deaths. Movie making. Serial killing. FEH! I just... it feels SO dated. TO the point where it's just painful to watch. Patricia Clarkson's all right, I guess. And Clint, too! Their scenes are probably the better ones... Maybe. I dunno. It's a bad sign when I'm considering the romantic subplot to be the better part of the movie. Oh man! And that ending is so disappointing. FEEEEEHHHHHH!!!!

Liam Neeson is probably teaching Clint Eastwood something in this scene.

Blue Velvet - 1986 - Dir. Lynch

I mean, as a weird jerk in high school, I ate this movie up. What weird teenage jerk wouldn't?! I had seen it so many times that I didn't need to watch it for well... a really long time. I completely forgot about the movie except for Dennis Hopper screaming which is engrained into our counter-cultural memory with a Dental Drill. A drill shaped like Dennis Hopper's head. And you know, even though I'm long familiar with the rants, seeing it again. That man is still shockingly fucked up in this movie. He's unendingly weird and loud. And then you have Kyle McLaughlin, who is basically a strange twelve-year-old boy in the movie. He's perfect... in a way that just feels wrong through and through. Like an aesthetically pleasing whitehead. And I'm going to say the he did it on purpose. Which makes him the best actor. Everyone is just great in this movie. I'll just say that. And I love Laura Dern. All of a sudden, I'm realizing that she's an awesome actress. Especially with Lynch. The movie is just a pretty straight-forward noir. Like, it's a story you would recognize, except Lynch adds all these details that skew it. And like Hopper, everything is amplified. It's hyper-suburban. I remember feeling like the movie was pretty slow back when, probably because Hopper was a kind of centerpiece and it takes a little while for him to show. Now, I don't think I got that. Considering some of his other movies, this is a jog through the park.

This guy...

The Verdict - 1982 - Dir. Lumet

Mamet, Newman, and Lumet. Oh, and I guess, Mason too (I just don't know him as well, I'm not trying to knock him or anything). They're all big fucking deals, right? So we already know that we're going to get a certain caliber of work from these fellas. And you know, Verdict is good. I'm not gonna get too excited about it. It didn't exactly feel like a standout picture as far as those involved are concerned. It's your basic courtroom drama. Doesn't really pull many surprises. Paul Newman always makes an excellent drunk. He's just such a nice man! And then we wants to booze it up and be sad! It's always a great thing to watch. I would say, the opening of the movie is pretty awesome though. Just him drinking and playing pinball? It's awesome. Probably what I like most about this is the relationship between Newman and Rampling. Both of whom are excellent and give absolutely nothing away as far as where the relationship is headed. Also, it's just a relationship that quietly hurts by the end, which is cool. It takes up exactly the amount of time it should. And Mason is an appropriately shitty guy. Maybe he's too good, because you want him to get a little more of his comeuppance then he ends up getting. Like you want a pie to hit him in the face during the entire conclusion.

"Jack... I'm trying to do a scene here, ya mind?"

The Last Dragon - 1985 - Dir. Schultz

It's a sorta of tricky movie to talk about, because I feel like I should like it more than I do. And I didn't dislike it. I enjoyed it. A cult film I really knew almost next to nothing about until a few weeks ago. It had the simple ingredients of funk, kung-fu, and blaxploitation all rolled up into one film, so it seemed like a pretty safe bet that I would in some sense enjoy the film. I figured at the worst it would boring and poorly assembled like most exploitation films and I've seen plenty of those. It ended up being most like an 80's action movie, perhaps similar in tone to something like "Big Trouble in Little China." With it's over-the-top villains, bits of magic, and pretty much a cookie cutter story-telling. It was campier than I think I expected it to be. Bordering on a cartoon-ish movie. Especially enjoy Sho'nuff. The Shogun of Harlem who seems to have been ODB's father. The whole film is a very reasonable precursor to the Wu-Tang Clan's combination of urban living and kung-fu philosophy. I was surprised I hadn't heard of it sooner. Although, I suppose it comes from a generation slightly older than mine. Or perhaps of the older folks of my generation. The same people that love "The Warriors." Like "The Warriors," it's stylish and a nice snapshot of what an 80's movie is, but ultimately perhaps for reasons I'll never know, my heart remains cold to it.

Sigh... Kanye jokes...

The Fly - 1986 - Dir. Cronenberg

What can I say!? I like this movie a lot. I've seen it a handful of times. It's great! Jeff Goldblum turning into a Fly? What's not to like? Not only that, but before he becomes a Fly, he turns into a hyper weirdo! The first shot is Jeff Goldblum's weird face! He manages to change tracks several times in the movie without making it feel strange or sudden. Able to hold both the Old Brundle and the Brundlefly at the same time. And the movie is just paced so well. It's all "BAM! Let's do this Transporter thing!" It's basically everything I like about Cronenberg at it's very best. Strange, body-horror, sex/pregnancy stuff that's weirdly funny the whole way through. AND RIDICULOUS SPECIAL EFFECTS! It has those nice 80's practical effects where they are treated like set pieces, like freakish ape and Brundlefly. There's nothing in this for me to not like. Actually, that once sequence where he's speaking and crawling on the wall always seems a little disjointed to me, but apart from that it's all good. Davis is great as our heroine. She's not one of those forehead-smackingly dumb or overly emotional. But she's not a cold-hearted/super hero female. She has great judgement and I think that's some too appreciate in a horror movie character. We also get a smirkingly fantastic performance from John Getz, who basically just plays the shithead role perfectly. It has a really nice cathartic ending, too. It's just an entertaining movie that deserves it's status. Also, Jeff Goldblum's hair? I mean... C'mon... Jeff Goldblum's hair!

This is why you can't leave a Jeff Goldblum in direct sunlight.

Star 80 - 1983 - Dir. Fosse

It was recommended and getting taken off of Netflix so I figured I'd best make I way to see Fosse's last film. It's... well, it's not All That Jazz. You can see how they were made by the same fella but Fosse's holding back directing-wise. The real centerpiece of the film is FUCKING Eric Roberts. Who is SO weird and pathetic and threatening all at the same time. I mean, I'm really impressed by how many terrible emotion balls that man juggled in this film. Fosse was clearly interested in his psychology rather than Stratten's, who deftly handles her growing fame. Even Hefner and the Bogdanovich are mild. Robert's Clingy Overwhelmed Boyfriend just goes mad in the light of these characters. This does flatten the scenes he isn't in which are usually just about how to handle Eric Roberts. The fact that we know how it will end and the lack of any other proper drama leads to a pretty slow movie. We want it to move faster than it does. We know where we are headed, we're just along for the ride. The nuances of his decline are interesting, I give you that but not portrayed THAT differently from what is a pretty familiar story. I say, a fan of Fosse, Roberts, or nutcases should follow up. But I'm sure you could find better stories about Stardom, Playboy Bunnies, and even creepy boyfriends (although perhaps the boyfriends won't be as weird of Roberts).

No! NO! NO! YOU WEIRD CREEPY FREAK! >:(

Prince of Darkness - 1987 - Dir. Carpenter

Lemme say, I just wish I looked as cool as Victor Wong in this movie. Also, I'm glad I don't look like Jameson Parker in this movie. That man is ridiculous looking. I would consistently think I was being ironic at myself. I mean, how can anyone take that guy seriously?! He's got a mustache and really nice blonde hair! He's perfect for this movie... Anyway, Prince of Darkness is just a lot of ideas that Carpenter had and he happened to make them all into a movie. Usually, things like this end up pretty badly. Just a bunch of random bullshit thrown together in a cold, calculating manner with shitty characters and bad special effects. Lucky for me, I like Carpenter's special effects. Some nice 80's practical effects, none of that computer business. Sure, I didn't give a damn about a single character, but it managed to be entertaining. And the premise is interesting enough to keep me interested. Anytime someone throws physics in with words like Anti-God, I'll bogey with them. It's not the best Carpenter movie, it's like a mid-point between his really shitty stuff and his good stuff. And you can see Alice Cooper as a Hobo. Not everything works, but there's so much thrown at you, that you're bound to enjoy some aspect of the movie. If not... maybe you're just not a Carpenter fan (I don't blame you).

AAaaahahaahha!

A Fish Called Wanda - 1988 - Dir. Crichton

I knew next to nothing about this movie apart from the fact that it was long overdue that I had seen it and that it had the same cast as Fierce Creatures. I'm a big Python fan so I think I expected the most from Cleese and Palin, but honestly, Kline fucking KILLED IT in this movie. He's so STUPID in this movie. In the best way. I was surprised he won an Oscar for his role but he deserves it. He's so incredibly manic and loud, but it is pulled off so well. I'm still smiling about the way he moves around in this movie. The rest of the cast performs admirably. Curtis playing straight (I suppose that's predictable with her being a lady). Cleese playing a goofy straight. Palin playing a nut whose efforts to kill an old woman makes up the subplot. It's not exactly groundbreaking by any means but is just a really strong comedy with a strong cast and a satisfyingly manic climax. It's just really well put together at times and is just so good at consistently raising the bar of the silliness. I'm sure it has great replay value as well. I can imagine I missed plenty of jokes in the dialogue being that it comes at you pretty quickly. If I had to toss a complaint out there, it can be a little slow and perhaps some of the silliness is dated, but the movie is more than twenty years old at this point and I think it's impressive that this movie aged as well as it has.

John Cleese has a terrible genital disorder.

Born on the Fourth Of July - 1989 - Dir. Stone

Having somewhat given up on really getting into Stone movies, I had pretty low expectations. I would say this movie met them with flying colors. I saw it primarily because it was being taken off of Watch Instantly and Tom Cruise shouting in a wheel chair had been ingrained in my memory at a young age and I was never able to shake it, so was kind of naturally interested in the movie. And yeah, Tom Cruise does an awful lot of shouting. It's pretty good shouting, I guess. No, you know what, it's great Tom Cruise shouting. Some of his best. The movie focuses Kovic's experience in Vietnam and mostly on his return home and readjustment. It's a tumultuous one to say the least. The entire Brooklyn hospital sequence is probably the most striking and memorable part of the movie. It feels like we spend as much time in the Hospital as in Vietnam and Stone seemed to make a point of making it even more horrific. Generally speaking, I felt like Stone's broad strokes effected me the way they usually did and turned me off quite a bit. I always feel yanked out of the story and any kind of emotion that I might have had. More than twenty years later, the movie has become a blue print for the returning vet movie. So I guess, it feels a little aged, the events just feel familiar. It's just become a very Hollywood Blockbuster tale at this point.

Bleeeeeuuuughhhhh...

Robocop - 1987 - Dir. Verhoeven

I love this movie. I've seen it a small handful of times, but I enjoy myself during every viewing. It's a ton of fun to watch. You can chuckle at it without being dismissive of it and losing interest because of the silliness. It's just silly enough. It has a really nice balance of action and sci-fi elements (neither overwhelms the other). There are a ton of my beloved 80's Practical Effects (is that what they're called?). Easily the most memorable of which would be what happens to Emile after his run in with the Toxic Waste, which is also probably one of my favorite sequences in the film. A host of great/campy actors. Miguel Ferrer and Kurtwood Smith are just a portion of the ridiculous cast of villains but to me they stand out as THE TOPS! Both of which are so slimy and over-the-top. I also get a kick out of Ray Wise's bug-eye and forehead. It's one of those nice movies where everyone seems to be on the same page which helps it maintain the satirical, goofy tone. Peter Weller does a great job being a Robotic Cop. Naturally, something like that could look pretty silly but the thought never even crosses my mind. The script doesn't exactly pull any surprises as far as story telling in concerned but it's just a good example of a well-crafted sci-fi blockbuster. It's very indicative of the time.

Peter Weller. Actor.

Tron (again!) - 1982 - Dir. Lisberger

It was sort of an accidental re-viewing of Tron. I would certainly say I didn't seek it out or really consider watching it again. Not that I'm trying to trash Tron exactly, I guess, I just didn't feel very enthusiastic about watching it a second time, so recently especially. It's still pretty fun and goofy and obviously created quite a world. I still feel like the entire concept ends up being a little wasted in the film and is treated more like an AWESOME premise rather than a movie with a full world behind it. I realize I must sound spoiler because Tron: Legacy does that and I still wasn't happy. I think I was a bit more aware of how thoroughly silly the movie could be. Corny sci-fi one liners were way more prominent this time around. Although, it's still a very imaginative movie and understand that the nostalgia factor plays in a great deal to many people's feelings to it. The movie is incredibly dated. It could have played on MST3K in a heartbeat. I guess the movie works best as a snap shot of American Sci-Fi movies. I feel like there is a lot of forgiveness involved and constantly framing it in the period it came from when watching this movie nowadays, unless you can see yourself as a pre-teen having your mind blown at the theater, in which case, I'm sure it's a blast.

I really don't want to make an Ultimate Frisbee joke... :(

Commando - 1985 - Dir. Lester

All right... so the thing is that Commando is the very best movie. That's the thing. If you said, make a perfect action movie, I would hand you Commando and you would tell me that it is too silly and then I would tell you to go to hell because you didn't know anything about action movies and that you were full of shit and I could barely stand looking at you anymore. Then I would walk away from you. Absolutely disgusted. If there is something wrong with a man single-handedly obliterating a private army to save his daughter, well... I'm curious as to what kind of world you live in. And I hope I never get sucked into such a terrible place where no one feeds deer from their hands and smug psychopaths wearing chain mail run wild with no one to keep them in check. My days of telling people that their opinions are wrong and they are stupid and should probably just go fly a kite are over. People dislike being told to fly kites. They will cry. But I will tell someone to fly a kite if they disagree with me about this movie. That is how hard I get about this movie. So let's just all go... and rest easy that the best action movie has already been made and we'll just use all that action movie money to make pornography or action/pornography. DONE.

Vernon Wells just came all over you.

Outland - 1981 - Dir. Hyams

Touted as a fine SPACE WESTERN, I was inevitably drawn to this even if it didn't have Connery in it. It's like the guy just couldn't stop making goofy sci-fi movies in the late 70's and 80's! Although that's not fair to Outland. It's not nearly as goofy as it's ilk. I feel like I have to attribute this to it's subdued goals. It's a kind of adapted High Noon and it never loses that focus. Connery standing up to a supremely douchey Peter Boyle. STICKIN' IT TO THE MAN! Perhaps the weakest part is the end, where the build up feels somewhat anti-climactic. It's the most significant point where the limits of special effects at the time really dampen the impact. But Clarke Peters shows up and he's really awesome. Also Hatchet Harry from lock stock who apparently was never not a creepy fuck, even when you throw him in space. I did notice that the movie seems to not exactly utilize or set up characters all that well. There's the Connery v. Boyle business going on but that's more of a Connery v. The System type deal. There's not really a lot of personal relationships going on so Connery's feeling of betrayal when no one gets his back (an important part of High Noon) isn't really there as strongly. The closest we get is him and the Doctor but that feels a little forced... not awful by any means... but kind of obligatory. I have to say I really got behind the sets. It goes to show that you don't have to go crazy to be convincing. The chases through the main sleeping quarters is easily my favorite part and the most memorable. Well, perhaps the most memorable are the amount of puffy hats in the movie. MAN! Apparently you can't run a mining operation on Io without puffy hats.

Sean Connery with his Shotgun of the FUTUUUURRREEE!!!!!

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension! - 1984 - Dir. Richter

This is a movie I remember seeing parts of as a child. AND I NEVER FORGOT IT. I also never tried very hard to pursue it. I suppose I could see the writing on the wall. It's really goofy. It's funny. Then it kind of gets boring... with some bursts of wackiness... then it ends anti-climatically. I'm kind of surprised by how anti-climactic. I feel like there's a bunch of movies (mostly from the 80's) that are like this, but this is kind of the poster child for them. BUT MAN DOES IT HAVE A CAST! It's a Who's Who of Guys who played creeps in the 80's! So let me be clear... It had plenty of fun moments... you don't get a movie filled with these actors (and one actress [is there only one female in this?!]) and not have a great time. And the script is fun. The movie is directed with a sense of humor. It just really flags as it goes on. The thrill of everything that pulls you in dies off and you're just stuck in a room with a bunch of weirdos and nothing worth doing.

YEEEAAAHHH!

Fright Night - 1985 - Dir. Holland

I feel like I'd always heard of Fright Night but really knew nothing about it. Just, I dunno, that it seemed to be pretty well known 80's horror movie. And that was all I knew of it. My interest was peaked when I found that it had a leaning towards the goofy and was apparently capably made. And yeah, it was capably made. Maybe not as goofy as I might have liked, but I like my movies pretty goofy so... so there. I have to say, Chris Sarandon makes an excellent 80's vampire. His smug goddamn face just being so self-satisfied throughout the whole production. There's a casualness about his performance that's really pretty amusing, without making him less of a threat. I mean, it's Jerry the vampire. Or Jer' as his assistant calls him. There's little touches like that that make the movie stand out from the cheaper camp horror movies. It even manages to give us some corny ass special effects for the third act. And man, I love 80's special effects. The best friend: Evil Edward is perhaps a double edged sword. He's memorable and fun but pretty regularly crosses the line into obnoxious and intolerable. For the first half of the movie, I was all WTF!? But I think after we cross a certain point, I began to understand what was going on with him. A fun horror movie... a little in the vein of "The Burbs" what with the premise, maybe the next best thing.

I'm having a great ttttiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeeeeeee!!!!

Tokyo-Ga - 1985 - Dir. Wenders

I liked Tokyo-Ga. Although, I really feel like this is sort of a movie that I like without reason. It's kind of wander-y, unfocused, meditation on... stuff Wim Wenders was thinking about while at Tokyo. Connected loosely and supported by nice long, wide shots. It's not really a movie I go crazy about or really recommend to anyone. I just like it. It's beautiful. It's thoughtful. And it seems pretty personal. It's not really a movie I get excited about though, I actually took more than three months to watch it... a long time when you're paying for Netflix. I mean, a video-diary on Wenders' trip to Japan and part Ode to Ozu... That's something I really need to be in a particular mood to watch... and I think Ozu is awesome and makes for a terribly interesting... but STILL. I guess, my point is that it can be kind of slow. Even is the majority of it is really interesting. I mean, the whole bit on golf and Pachinko as well as the interview with Ozu's camera assistant and Chishu Ryu. There's a part with Werner Herzog that I was totally pumped for but they spoke in German without subtitles... which was kind of disappointing. I was a little thrown as to why they didn't translate it but there were languages all over the place. It opened with I think Tokyo Story subbed in French... Wenders would tell you what the Japanese people were saying in the interviews and he spoke English throughout. So I dunno what the Eff was going on.

Tokyo is just Blade Runner without flying cars and less Harrison Ford.