Double Agent 73 - 1974 - Dir. Wishman

Man... I don't watch anymore Doris Wishman movies anymore. She just... I don't think I need her movies in my life. I'm not sure I think they're goofy. Well, they're goofy... but man... THEY ARE BORING. And Cheap. I mean, I suppose I'm just used to Russ Meyer with his, you know, FRAMING and awesome Editing. I mean, I realize it's sexploitation so the bar is pretty low, but this isn't even erotic. Sometimes, it seems like Wishman just picked the worse angles on purpose. I guess part of my disappointment stems from the fact that the plot sounds AWWWEEESOOMMMEEE. I mean, a spy gets a camera implanted in her gigantic boobs but also a bomb wired to go off after 36 hours in case she gets captured. That sentence is the best part of the movie. I was sort of prepared for Chesty Morgan's... "acting," but she hasn't learned anything from her last foray... including how to speak English since EVERYTHING IS STILL DUBBED. I dunno, I wanted the movie to be silly. Or... anything. And I'm not convinced that it's being bad ironically... I think its just ineptness. It just looks like some kids made it in their house. It was clearly filmed in SOMEONE'S house. Although, I have to admit, there's a ridiculous shot of someone hanging out in bushes. I liked that.

She's "acting" tied up.

Sex and Zen - 1991 - Dir. Mak

I've come to a point in my life where I rent softcore porn from Netflix without realizing it. I don't know how to feel about that exactly. But that being said, I really should have seen it coming with a title like Sex and Zen. I knew there was gonna be sex, but the amount of it and how graphic it was, well, that was a bit of a surprise. Despite all the sex, there was a great amount of comedy in it. In fact, it was WAAAY funnier than I expected. The movie is goofy, through and through. People having sex swinging on chains. Lesbian flute sex. Writing with genitals. I have to say, I wouldn't have expected a horse penis transplant scene to be so goofy. From its label as a "cautionary tale," I expected a deal of tragedy but the film manages to keep up a light-hearted tone, even when suicide becomes the order of the day. The film feels pretty well paced, it doesn't drag as much as a lot of these movies tend to.

Oh gross! She's growing hands out of her breasts!

Caged Heat - 1974 - Dir. Demme

I didn't really dig this too much. I actually stopped watching it at one point which is fairly rare for me. It's not that is was particularly bad. In fact, if I think about it, it seemed interesting enough for a Women in Prison flick. Having a nice amount of quirky and tongue-in-cheek elements to it. But I dunno, I think a lot had to do with the production quality, but REALLY: What could I expect? it's a Roger Corman exploitation flick, so I think this is Standard Operating Procedure. I think I also warmed up to the movie a little bit more after watching Corman give and interview about it. It definitely made the flick seem a lot more charming. And there are fun/interesting parts to it as well as some pretty snazzy editing. It's Demme's directing debut and he's clearly working on a style. He does some really neat things with sound which ironically is in general of a pretty incredibly poor quality. There were a few scenes in the movie that were completely indecipherable. The Warden was probably one of the more interesting bits in the film and I wouldn't have minded a bit more of her. ALSO, Erica Gavin of Vixen! fame plays one of the lead protagonists. That lady is such a goofy actor, I get behind her 100%!

ACHOOO!

The Libertine - 1969 - Dir. Campanile

The Libertine was one of the few sexploitation films I could get on Play It Now on Netflix so I made sure to watch it. It had an interesting enough premise, following a recently widowed young woman who finds her husbands hidden apartment filled with tapes of him having kinky sex with women. This sets off a sexual awakening for our protagonist who runs off having tons of sex. The film is pretty tame for the most part. Catherine Spaak is cute enough. She's not terribly likable, sort of blase in a pretty stereotypical Italian way. Her throughline (and I realize I'm being picky) is a little tough to read. There's kind of a good chunk of confusing and vague scenes in the middle which slows it down a bit. The third act has a lot of her trying to ride men like horses which is fun enough. The ending is especially wacky. The film's soundtrack is AWEEEESSSOME! I got a real kick out of it and it created a fine tone for the movie. All of the separate scenes are entertaining, it's just that they don't really connect in a fulfilling way. Ultimately, the film doesn't really live up to its premise and like all sexploitations, you can only look at sexy ladies for so long before it gets a little dull. The movie does do its best to liven things up. Especially with a series of jarring jumpcuts. I especially liked one with a nerdy dude jumping up and down and firing a gun. OH MAN! And there's a whole thing where a girl has a live beetle for a necklace! I dug that like nobodies business! :)

Awwwww!

Common Law Cabin - 1967 - Dir. Meyer

The last of my Russ Meyer movies that I was currently able to extract. Although I found an 11 gig torrent I might dip my toes in... but 11gigs?! Jeez... Well, I think Common Law Cabin might have been certainly the most... uh... erotic? There's actually not a lot of nudity in this one, but a lot of seduction. I suppose that's why it's a wee-bit more titillating. There's also quite a bit of death, well, maybe not... No, wait... it did seem pretty violent. It had the least amount of silly Russ Meyer editing which upon realizing, was a SUPREME disappointment. It was pretty ridiculous plot-wise, basically with a villain who only seems to want to rape women or upset other men and can't seem to control himself in the slightest. The characters are more ridiculous than usual. Including the usual sexpot wife who by the end of the movie is just completely out of wack, providing cover fire for the villain for... why again? Watching them plod around, trying to find reasons to tie a scenes together. I mean, like I normally say, I can't really judge a Meyer movie too harshly. I enjoyed watching it. It does what it's supposed to. And it actually does it a lot better than some of his other movies... but I'm not sure if I'd want to watch it again though. You know? There wasn't a ton of those fun elements that really got me going as far as Meyer movies go.

Pictures of Men looking through Binoculars are the SILLIEST!

Finders, Keepers, Lovers, Weepers - 1968 - Dir. Meyer

POOOP! POOOOOOOOOP! Well, that's no way to start my little review thing. I dunno, I didn't really feel like watching a real movie yesterday so I watched another Russ Meyer flick that I had sitting on my desktop. I had never heard of Finders, Keepers, Lovers, Weepers before, I downloaded it because it can be a little tough to get Meyer flicks so I try and not turn down any opportunity. I don't mean to sound terribly superficial, but there were some pretty bland women in this. I mean, even for a Russ Meyer movie, I was a little shocked. They didn't even seem terribly Meyer-esqe. I'm starting to notice Meyer's style of editing more and more, and I think it's having a bigger impact on my enjoyment of his stuff. I mean, demolition derby footage with hot tub sex. BRING IT ON MEYER! Or you know, if you have Amish kids flying a kite, I'd get behind that too. WAIT! That's in a different sex scene?! Well, all right then. Despite the beloved editing, this is a pretty down-to-Earth Myer flick, which isn't a great thing. It's not a terribly fun romp by any means. The characters are more... well, real. Which makes them just dumb as all hell. It makes it a little tough to really give a shit. Especially when most of the characters are just plain jerks. Definitely not a great first Meyer flick, but it has a lot of neat little touches, the Thieves are pretty entertaining to watch (perhaps the only actors to be that way). But a worthwhile time for Meyer fans.

You know what would make this scene better? If it had demolition derby footage spliced into it.

Cherry, Harry & Raquel - 1970 - Dir. Meyer

I think I had filed this Meyer flick away in my brain because it's the first one with Charles Napier in it. I don't know WHY that information was important to me... but it was. I think maybe because I feel like Charles Napier should be in EVERY Russ Meyer movie. He's like a more talented David Aiken (Don't worry, he was in NO movies). Certainly has a bigger jaw. You wanna know why I like Russ Meyer flicks? Because apart from breasts, I never have any idea what I'm going to get. That's not to say he comes up with brilliant ideas... Well, if you get me in the right mood, they are brilliant, but he certainly comes up with some wacky shit. In this film, for example, he starts out with some scrolling text and a montage of industry and naked women. The text is sort of about thinking for yourself, its a little tough to follow because GIANT BOUNCING BREASTS make it tough to read. I mean, the ending of this movie was just so STRANGE. Some may say stupid... but I'm not gonna treat Russ Meyer like that. That man has an idea of what he's doing. It's just the STRANGEST idea. His editing is really a ton of fun to watch though. So I barely spoke about the film itself. It's his first film after Vixen... so the breasts aren't gigantic and he shows some respect to plot. I movie is only 70 minutes long so its a breeze to watch and probably a lot more fun than many of his others. A particular gem is the climactic lesbian dance/snuggle sequence cut with the hyper masculine fight scene. And as usual, we get a nice little voice over with a montage of the film we just watched explaining each and every character. God bless you, Mr. Meyer!

Sex in the sand! Great I'm watching Woman in the Dunes- Oh wait...

Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens - 1979 - Dir. Meyer

I had a bit of a Russ Meyer fest last night, watching Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens and Vixen. I've seen Vixen previously and had watched a few minutes of Ultra-Vixens before turning it off in boredom. Ultra-Vixens is an intensely sillier movie, I mean, there's almost consistent use of sound effects and goofy fucking faces. It's also WAAAAYYY lazier. When I first viewed the movie, I had just assumed it was going to be a random compilation of titillating scenes strewn together with a strange narrator. Turns out the movie is about a bland fellow who is almost completely uninterested in sex unless it involves him putting things in butts and his attempt to normalize his sex life. The film has quite a bit of anal rape as a result. Including a scene where a homosexual Marriage Counselor/Dentist tries to rape him. It's a fun kind of movie, apparently another one written by Ebert. Like ALL sexploitation, it doesn't make a terrific amount of sense but it is entertaining to watch. I generally really enjoy Meyer's way of going about editing and he really does have a very surreal and twisted sensibility. It runs a little long with its seemingly unending conclusion involving first the narrator wrapping up the character then Meyer himself in a somewhat unexpected breaking of the Fourth Wall. I don't really understand his need to "wrap-up" which is often just re-describing the characters, every single character in the film. Including one that is actually somewhat introduced in the wrap-up. I suppose it's just another excuse to crack jokes and show some tits. Speaking of which, this Meyer film certainly seems to have the bustiest performers around, to the point of it basically being ridiculous. It wasn't just shapely ladies... but just the full-fledged super fake boobs. We're not talking Chesty Morgan's hanging style ridiculous boobs, but like... I dunno LARGE ROUND SUPERFAKE TITS. Like, the really weird ones from back in the day. You know?

Russ Meyer playing the oldest latchkey kid in a Broadway play.

Pervert! - 2005 - Dir. Yudis

I'd never heard of Pervert!, I think it just suddenly appeared on my Netflix recommendations and I was all... Okay. So I watched it on Play it now. The film is a tribute to Russ Meyer of sorts, who had passed a few years before the film was released. And it certainly stands strong as a Russ Meyer tribute. They definitely know their Meyer. Right down to the Desert setting to the goofy fucking music that plays when there's sexy things going on in the screen. I think probably the first half of the movie had me going. Filled with silly montages, some humorous editing, and puns a plenty. AND SOUND EFFECTS! :) The movie is a big silly joke. It's fun and playful. I think I started to get lost when the plot kind of kicks in. I guess a Killer Penis was supposed to be funny. I don't know how it happened... but a Killer Penis just doesn't entertain me so much these days. Something about it feels a little tired... oh, maybe it was Glorious Life of Sachiko Hanai that did it. And I think a good portion of the movie hinges on the Killer Penis being totally outrageous. I mean, maybe I'm being a little tough on it, the penis DID go all the way through a lady. I that was pretty wacky. But I was most definitely bored in the second half. I mean, the script is a little goofy to begin with, but it gets a little out of hand at that point. Where it's just a little tough to watch. But the movie is fun, I can't get too nitpicky about it. After all, the director plays a homosexual, nazi, redneck, ghetto-fabulous mechanic who punts his toddler/co-worker into a garage. The director WANTED to do that. And there is nothing wrong with a man whose needs are like that. Also, the acting in general. Acting in sexploitation... not an easy thing to... judge. Everyone is pretty entertaining. Mary Carey can be a little bland in some scenes (Just completely unexpressive sometimes) but she's fun to watch, and she's also probably the most attractive. I especially like Hezakiah and the whiny protagonist was all right, definitely a Russ Meyer type looking doof. Constantly reminding me of Blando McBland in supervixens (Who is perhaps my favorite protagonist of all time).

Somebody help that man! He has special effects on his chest!

Deadly Weapons - 1974 - Dir. Wishman

All right, all right... We can sit around all day and argue who rented the sexploitation film about the woman who kills (two) men with her big breasts. But let's not. Instead, how about I tell you about this sexploitation film I've jut seen? Now, I don't know why I always get surprised by how stupid these movies are. I mean, they are really stupid. With irresponsibly bad acting most of the time. And I hate to say Chesty Morgan acts about as well as you would expect upon hearing her name. I KNOW I KNOW! You'd think she'd be terrific but it's basically a blank expression for an hour and sixteen minutes. They sure did know to keep the movie short at least. But really those complaints shouldn't factor into a movie like this. The movie doesn't even have the class to throw some camp our way. Oh man, I would be so blown away if the film is just being massively ironic. But I think its just a badly, cheaply made movie. I mean, you do see her boobs a lot. A whole lot. She doesn't do too much with them or anything. And they're pretty funny looking. You know... being all floppy and huge and all. It is a ball and a half to watch Harry Reems though. That guy has the bravest moustache and I spent most of the time thinking about how Daniel Day Lewis should be in the scene. I suppose I did feel a little cheated out of the whole boob smothering. I mean, C'mon! Only two times!? It's the whole premise of the movie. Well, I guess the premise is BOOBS. But... you know... like a real premise. Sigh... nevermind.

I wanted to use a picture of Harry Reems in this because he looks like such a goofball but I guess we'll have to settle for this.

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai - 2007 - Dir. Meike

I don't remember how it got there. But this movie was on my Instant Viewing queue on Netflix. I content to leave it there and forget about it until its expiration date popped up and I was all "Damn, I might as well watch it." So I did, and MAN! That was a GOOD DECISION. This movie is GREAT! Well, this movie is RIDICULOUS! I had tons of fun watching it. It was one of those movies where I wish I had something to do with the production. I mean, at one point, Action Figures are used instead of actors. The movie is cheap. silly, and perverse. AND IT EVEN HAS A HALF BAKED MESSAGE (which did not bore me, so: okay!) The basic story is about a prostitute who gets shot in the head but manages to survive with increased intelligence, a kind of ESP, and really mixed up senses. She goes to a library, eats some books, has sex with some people, and gets tangled up in a plot to destroy the world involving a somewhat sentient clone of George W. Bush's finger (The finger is red, white, and blue). I mean, it's sexploitation, so a chunk of the movie is just softcore porn (the classiest kind of porn). But hey, during quite a few of the sex scenes they're spouting ridiculous literary, religious, metaphysical, and philosophical ideas. They ain't nothing wrong with that! I want to find more sexploitation. Hehehe...

I think that's a rubber ducky on the TV.